So what have I been up to since I've relocated to Hong Kong?  Do I even like it here?

Hopefully this clip will divulge more than words...

Semi-new beginnings

So we all know that Kobayashi won the annual Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest.  For the 6th year in a row, he has shown that size doesn't matter--but insane, and possibly extraterrestrial, metabolism does.  I watched a part of the whole festivity, and I noticed two things:

1) So there's this huge black dude, definitely not shy of 350 pounds.  And the paradox about these ridiculous eating contests is that, on most occasions, the winner is never a hefty guy (or girl).  And just when heavy dudes thought that they've found a sport they could excel at, other than sumo and football, they get emasculated by thin Asian guys who can outperform them by leaps and bounds.  My question is:  shouldn't that send a message to all those heavy dudes aspiring to be eating champions?  A message, perhaps, that says STOP FUCKIN EATING!!!  So you've stuffed your face for 10 minutes, and maybe if you're lucky, you've consumed 20 lemonade-soaked hot dogs,  But the Asian guy standing next to you, who probably weighs as much as you did when you were potty-trained, eats twice as much as you.  There must be a better way you could've spent those ten minutes.  Not to mention all that time that you spent "training"... which brings me to my next point.

2) The commentators really went to town with their commentary.  "Joey Chestnut... what an eater, he really exemplifies the training and dedication."  I can't really remember other stuff they said but the jist of it is--they made it sound like a real sport.  That is all.

So funny thing happened.  So I just moved into my new place about a month ago.  I was on my way there to meet the people who are delivering my bed.  Su, my roommate, in the meantime, is already there unpacking.  He hears a knock on the door and of course thinks that it's me.  He cheerfully answers:

"OLA!  YO QUIERO TACO BELL???"

Then he opens the door, and there stood the biggest, meanest-looking Mexican mattress delivery guy ever.  Su, feeling somewhat threatened, extends a nice welcome: "Oh, um, HEY!!! You must be the bed guy, come on in!"

So my new place is right off the I-5.  And at my exit, there's always the same pan-handler greeting traffic.  He always carries the same sign:

"Traveling--out of supplies, need food."

I had a Deep Thoughts moment... If he's traveling, why is he always in the same place???

I went surfing today... CAUGHT SOME KILLER BREAKS DUDE I'M LIKE TOTALLY STOKED MAAAAAAAAN--FUCKIN' RAD ROCK ON!!!!

Found these online... THINGS YOU LEARN FROM MOVIES

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

So one Wednesday night a bunch of us were down in Pacific Beach, which is basically a whole melange of bars and one drunken orgy after another.  Every week, an 80's cover band called Metal School plays at the Typhoon Saloon, one of the key meat markets in San Diego.  And by meat market, I'm not sure if it leads to a lot of hooking up, but there sure is a lot of top shelf meat.  I digress...

So this band Metal School... in addition to playing songs by Bon Jovi, White Snake, etc etc... they're also a three-man stand up comedy act that incorporates all kinds of racist, sexist, distasteful comments.  So basically, they're funny guys.

At one point, they were making a comment about Asians (how original) and suddenly, they point into the crowd in my direction.  (Note:  I was standing next to this tall, equally large-headed Asian dude, if that makes a difference...).  The guitarist exclaims:  OH LOOK IT'S WILLIAM HUNG!

If there was ever a moment in my life when I felt like Moses, it was that moment, because I could see the sea of people parting in front of me.  Everyone looked back at the two TOKEN Asian guys and just went nuts.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard "She Bangs" in the remainder of that night, I would probably have enough money to buy technology that could permanently erase the horrible Chinese stereotype that William Hung has managed the perpetuate with one failed attempt at American Idol. 

I mean seriously, where else can no-talent ass-clowns like William Hung garner ANY sort of fame and fortune by being an idiot?  Oh yea, in the Taiwanese entertainment industry.  Fuuuuuuck...

Here's a testament to the power of Moses:

Slope Day is right around the corner.  The hotel thing didn't come through but I think we have a better plan... Friday morning, we're gonna do it right--hotelie style bitches!!!  OMG even Paulene Kawasjee aka QSS is going... I had to make some sacrifices to convince her to go but I think it'll be worth it.

I'll leave you with a pirate joke:

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his fly.  Bartender says: "you know you have a steering wheel hanging out of your pants?"  Pirate goes: "Arghhh... it's drivin' me nuts!"

See you soon people.

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Ilene

What do you call a Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Irene